Many of us know someone who struggles with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, PTSD, or some other form of mental illness. Mental illness significantly impacts the lives of those who struggle with it, and the loved ones around them, too. Below, a guest writer from New Covenant's Supporting Loved Ones With Mental Illness group shares how she manages the pressures for perfection around the holidays. Read on:
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The holidays come each year with the expectation of joy and family togetherness, their sacred significance blending with our modern, secular traditions. In his famous 1943 painting, Freedom from Want, Norman Rockwell illustrates the ideal holiday scene. A mild-mannered mother in her spotless apron places an enormous roast turkey, glistening and golden brown, before an ideal father in his Sunday suit ready to carve the bird for his grateful brood. Happy faces smile up at him. This is everybody’s table, everybody’s family. This is the scene we want in our own dining rooms across the country. Seasonal greetings and carols remind us of the “comfort and joy” we can expect as we come together to love each other in harmony and understanding. Freedom from Want teaches us how to look and act like loving families, humble and grateful for our gifts, blessed to be together.
In my family, the annual pursuit of Rockwell’s dream led to weeks of planning, frantic shopping, hefty expenses, and exhaustion. Fueled by my father’s quest for a perfect holiday, the household was gripped with fierce determination. Each year, we grew more desperate to get it right, to sit in our seats smiling at each other instead of fuming over the inevitable hurts and slights when we didn't reach the goal. Hounded by depression, these cycles overwhelmed and terrified me. Even in families where Norman Rockwell and his unrealistic fiction are discarded, the chaos of the season is unsettling, and depression casts a shadow over things we want to enjoy. Isolated by self-destructive thoughts of all the ways we don’t measure up, we retreat to the sidelines and fight to keep cheerful. We disappear without saying anything or fall silent while others laugh and tell jokes. Triggers are everywhere and depressive meltdowns materialize in an instant, appearing out of thin air. In the battle to control our feelings, we often sink deeper as those around us wonder what to do. Each year the pattern repeats, predictable and unavoidable, continuing season after season. A break from the past is the only solution.
This time of year, I plan ahead, buying gifts months early to avoid the stress of last-minute shopping. Norman Rockwell can keep his picture-perfect holiday feast; I no longer cook a turkey dinner, instead treating my family to a host of appetizers, entrees, and desserts from our favorite restaurant. The kitchen staff takes care of the cleanup and I walk out the door. I give myself permission to turn down invitations if I am not well enough to socialize. When things get loud and games get raucous, I retreat if I feel overcome. I reassure my family that I won’t be gone long and remind myself that I know what I need more than anyone.
So thanks but no thanks, Mr. Rockwell. Your painting may be iconic, but I’m learning to get the holidays right on my own terms.
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If you're walking alongside someone with mental illness, you don't have to walk alone. The Supporting Loved Ones With Mental Illness group meets monthly at New Covenant Bible Church in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. All are welcome to join in this group. Learn more about the group's meeting times and areas of focus.